How to Save a Marriage: A Star Wars Love Story

A house divided against itself cannot stand. That’s what I’m facing today. No, it is not that my husband and I are political or religious opposites. We do not argue about which cheesesteak join is better or about the superiority of plain or peanut M&Ms. My friends, my husband is a Star Wars supernerd, while I have never seen any of the movies.

It’s true. I’m a woman in her forties who has yet to have the life-changing experience of the Star Wars movies. Well, according to my husband, the life-changing bit is only movies three through six, the original trilogy. As he so eloquently puts it, the prequels suck ass.

And so it was not expected–come on, life-changing, people–this morning when Craig gleefully pranced into the house today, brandishing his online reservation for a ticket to see the new film, Star Wars: The Force Awakens, in mid-December. What was maybe more unexpected was, despite my affliction, we spent a few minutes in deep discussion about the implications of The Force Awakens.

Well, that’s not entirely true. We mostly made fun of the dumbasses who are having a conniption fit over the alleged lack of straight, white male characters in the movie:

Specifically, the #BoycottStarWarsVII “movement” (and I’m skeptical of calling it that, for reasons I’ll get into shortly) takes umbrage with the fact that The Force Awakens‘ cast features not one, but multiple people of color, a situation a small but vocal minority sees as evidence of a “white genocide” in the Star Wars universe, perpetuated by Abrams, a white-hating Hollywood Jew.

Oh, dear. Of course, the linked article goes on to note that the dumbasses in question are a vocal minority (the irony!). But wait, there’s more, and it’s hilarious!

Another Twitter account, calling itself “Captain Confederacy,” similarly griped that “SJWs [Social Justice Warriors] complain about White artists ‘misappropriating’ culture created by blacks but then celebrate a non-White Star Wars.” Yet another complaint read that the movie should be boycotted “because it’s nothing more than a social justice propaganda piece that alienates it’s core audience of young white males.”

laughingAs a professional Social Justice Warrior (it’s true: I get paid to help bring about social justice), I applaud this ninja-like stealth attack on young white males. You’ll have to excuse me while I go bathe in the tears of the patriarchy.

Anyway, in between bouts of hysterical laughter, Craig did explain to me (ignorant as I am about the racial vagaries of the Star Wars films) that these yahoos have failed to remember a few things:

  • The Stormtroopers in the original Star Wars films were clones, and Craig tells me the one guy took off his helmet and looked sort of Hawaiian. Which means all the Stormtroopers had to have been Pacific Native Islanders or something, I guess.
  • James Earl Jones was the voice of Darth Vader. Of course, the actual character of Darth Vader was a white guy (played by Hayden Christensen) . . . which kind of means that Darth Vader is mixed race in a way.
  • Billy Dee Williams played Lando Calrissian in movies five and six.
  • Samuel L. Jackson played Mace Windu in the prequels.

Well, there are more . . . trust me (okay, trust Craig), there are many more non-white actors in the Star Wars films, which makes the big old whiny baby JJ Abrams hates white people guys look pretty silly. Okay fine, they look pretty silly all the time (I mean, come on, who remembers the stink these same dorks made about Mad Max?). Plus, last time I checked there are still plenty of white guys in the new Star Wars trailer. So . . . ?

I will say one thing for them: they have made it possible for my divided house to stand. After all, nothing brings people together more than making fun of racist morons.



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